The Fat Guy's Guide

Starting on Nutrisystem

2010-10-18T07:35:00.000-07:00

So I thought I'd give NutriSystem a try. I ordered the food. I opened the food. I ate the food.

So after a week, here are my thoughts.

The food really isn't all that good, unless you've spent the last 20 years in a Hungarian prison. It certainly doesn't look like the packages, which I guess I should have guessed. But some of the things, like the nacho chips and the beef tips, are practically inedible. And they give me some utterly foul winds, if you know what I mean.

But before Marie Osmond throws me out of her 1977 fan club, let me say that it does have an upside. After eating that bland, horrible stuff, any real food just tastes like a slice of heaven. I haven't eaten so much salad - and enjoyed it - in a long time. It even helps at restaurants. We ate out at PF Chang, and I actually did pretty well. I ordered mushrooms and spicey string beans and a salad. Normally I order the General Fatty's Fried Lard. But even though I ordered the polar opposite, it was delicious.

Because the alternative was soooo bad...

...to Kings Dominian

2010-04-12T07:02:00.001-07:00

Kings Dominion is now no longer owned by Paramount (or if they are, they're hiding the fact), which has led to some quick rebranding of anything that Paramount owns the license. Nickelodean has been replaced with Snoopy, and Scooby Doo has been replaced with Boo Shooters on Boo Hill (a little scarier, but the same ride more or less). My children are 9 year down to 2 years, so our experience would be different from a group of teenagers. We couldn't (and in some cases, wouldn't) ride most of the thrill coasters, as none of the kids met the minimum heights.

Walking in Kings Dominion is a little easier than at Busch Gardens. Busch Gardens is very hilly, but KD is flat. So less stroller arm or ankle snaps. But KD has far fewer indoor AC spots to recover, so it comes down to which is more important, the tendinitis or the heat exhaustion.

We had a lot of problems with the ride height restrictions. It left a lot fewer things we could all do together, or even in separate units. My wife was too tall to ride on most of the kidzville rides (the limit was something like 48"), so my youngest was unsure about riding by herself.

Some highlights:

The Ghoster Coaster has small seats, even for a roller coaster. Make sure to check your booty at the entrance.
I had no problem fitting into the Boo Shooter with my two oldest.
The Taxi Jam was a tight and painful fit.
Zoom Flume has a guest weight restriction of 250 lbs.
Tornado has a guest weight restriction of 175 lbs
Pipeline Peak has a guest weight restriction of 300 lbs
Surf City Splash House has the same weight restriction
Intimidator 305, Drop Tower, Crypt, Dominator have test seats at the beginning of the line to see if you fit.
Problems are quoted as existing for anyone who may exceed 76” in height, those who exceed 250 pounds, have a 46” waistline, or 54” chest. Larger guests may experience difficulty on Anaconda, Backlot Stunt Coaster, Crypt, Dominator, Drop Tower, Flight of Fear, Grizzly, Hurler, Flying Ace, Rebel Yell, Ricochet, Ghoster Coaster, Shockwave, Taxi Jam, and Volcano.

KD also limits the food and drink you can bring in. Which is a shame, as the food is pretty bad and pretty expensive. We had lunch for 5 people (3 kids) for $60. Burgers. Really.

Coming Up...

2010-03-30T10:17:00.001-07:00

I'll be doing a review of Kings Dominion in a few weeks. So let's see how humiliated I can get at a theme park...

Looking at two different SUVs...

2010-03-09T08:10:00.000-08:00

The Mazda CX-9 and the Chevy Suburban. Anyone have any pros or cons while I research?

...to office chairs

2010-03-01T06:02:00.000-08:00

Big & Tall Contoured Office Chair - Black Fabric

I've broken a lot of chairs in the last decade. It comes partly from being extremely heavy (my skeleton was replaced with adamantium), and partly from forgetting that I am and sitting like an eight year old. And it can get pretty expensive replacing your office chair every few months.

My newest chair, by Global Industries, is just what I've been looking for. It's a bit pricey, but so far it's held up great. It has a high weight limit, a metal base, and most importantly, the arm rest are optional. This is a big deal. Most of the chairs out there use the arm rests to hold the chair together, so if you're large enough to push against them, it weakens the whole chair. Luckily I'm not too wode to use them, but if I were I could just take them off with no penalty.

I give this chair a five star rating.

...to Wii Active

2010-02-15T12:24:00.000-08:00

EA Sports Active is a game for the Wii aimed at giving Huts like myself some exercise. It's a good idea, but not quite there. It works with the Wii Fit's Balance Board, but the Balance Board has a 330 pound limit, so if you weigh over that, you can't use it. Thank God no one in the history of man has ever weighed over 33o pounds.

Stupid Japanese.

Anyway, some of the games are mildly entertaining, but if you have Wii Sports you've probably got better versions of them. They try to create a running monitor, but I had trouble keeping the thing on and running at the same time. I'd say it's a buy if you find it in th bargain bin, but not at full price.

...to Star Trek Online

2010-02-11T08:07:00.000-08:00

Ok, this isn't strictly a weight or size related thing, aside from the unusually large number of large-sized fans that show up at Star Trek conventions. And I'm big into online games, so I thought I'd give those interested a review.

Star Trek Online, by the folks who make Champions Online, is a MMORPG (Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game) set in the Star Trek universe, sometime after the Next Generation movies, and incorporating the recent Star Trek movie into it as well. It's the first MMORPG, as far as I know, that has both ground action and space action at the time of release. You start out as a Federation ensign, and quickly come to be in charge of your own light cruiser due to the war between the Federation and, well, just about everyone.

I wasn't sure I wanted to try this one at first. Most of the Star Trek games have been pretty lame, with the exception of the paper and pencil Star Fleet Battles. I was pleasantly surprised. The graphics are excellent and the gameplay is entertaining. You get to do a variety of tasks, from exploration to combat, and the mix is pretty good. The big hurdle is whether or not Cryptic Studios can keep the content fresh and engaging. They did well when they were running City of Heroes, so I'm hoping they'll stay the course.

Product Description (from Amazon):

Escape to the immersive multiplayer Star Trek universe in Star Trek Online. Captain your own customized ship, forge your allegiance and wage battle with your own customized crew ‐ across strange new worlds and into the deepest reaches of the final frontier. Set 30 years after Star Trek Nemesis, the universe is a much more dangerous place. The Klingons and Federation are on the verge of all out war.

YOU ARE THE CAPTAIN
Every player will begin the game as “captain” of a starship. You are the pilot in space, and the hero on the away team. Build your bridge crew from recruited and created characters. Define abilities and personalities to determine the tactics and strengths of your party. Build reputation and influence as you grow from a lieutenant to an admiral of Starfleet! Higher rank enables more powerful ships, a larger crew and new abilities.
ABOVE AND BELOW
Navigate your starship through the known and unknown regions of the galaxy. Explore undiscovered regions of space, full of solar phenomena, strange alien planets and bizarre species. Discover strange new worlds, and beam down with your away teams to alien planets. Your bridge officers will affect your space and planetside game – your science officer may increase ship speed in space, and be a great diplomat on the surface.
BELOVED UNIVERSE
Become an officer in the Klingon Military or the Federation's Starfleet and adventure in the future of the Star Trek Universe. Interact with classic locations of Trek history –from the wormhole of Deep Space Nine to the Guardian at the End of the Universe. Recruit or battle heroes from classic star trek species – logical Vulcans, diabolical Romulans, shifty Ferengi and many more!
ULTIMATE DISCOVERY
Command a Klingon or Federation ship across a limitless galaxy. Discover, explore and develop your crew in an endless range of encounters. Randomly generated quadrants give players unlimited opportunities (In addition to “established” systems).

...To Where to Buy Clothes

2010-01-15T08:10:00.000-08:00

1Those of you within the size range that most airlines think people fit into (with 18 inch shoulders), aren't going to understand how difficult it is for big folks to find clothes. And believe it or not, showing up at a job interview with your shower curtain stitched into a pair of pants doesn't play out well for anyone. Most stores in the area consider "Large" as big enough. I haven't fit into a large since I was in elementary school, and I didn't even get really heavy until I got married.

So here are my top three sources of ginormous clothing.

JCPenny - They have a good selection online, a small selection at most of their stores, and reasonable prices.
Casual Male XL - Good selection, although sometimes a bit pricey. Not the somewhat queer looking stuff they sell for sexy pirates, but normal (read: straight) clothes for big guys. And a few things like chairs that can hold a battleship.
Amazon - Although you have to hunt around sometimes, there's certainly a lot of choices.

...to the Mission Leisure Chair from Walmart

2010-01-04T05:24:00.000-08:00

I purchased the Mission Leisure Chair and Ottoman from Walmart as a new chair for my home office. Unfortunately, the only way you could class this as a leisure chair is if you find sitting on the floor leisurely.

Building it was no problem, but as I did I had serious doubts about how well it would hold. Even if I were of normal size this chair would have been unsteady. The back is supposed to recline, but is held in place by two small wood pegs. Suffice to say, unless you're a small child you'll find it giving out.

The base is badly designed as well. The foundation is held together with those small screws you so often find in cheap furniture, so if you are a large person you can expect them to give out on you. And the base where the cusion sits is held in place by a very small ledge of wood, so if anything gives just the slightest bit, you find yourself on the floor.

All in all, not a good buy unless you're EXTREMELY light.

...The Tornado at Great Wolf Lodge

2010-01-02T08:10:00.000-08:00

Not so much a review, as a description of my problem on their famous Tornado, and why being large can have unexpected hazards.

Read it Here

...to Busch Gardens

2009-12-31T15:10:00.000-08:00

Over the summer we made several trips to Busch Gardens, in Williamsburg, Virginia. Overall it was great fun, although frequently so hot I thought some of my internal organs had jellified. Mmmm...jellly... (sorry, couldn't resist).

I rode several rides with an 8 year old boy, and a few with a six year old girl. I hate rollercoasters, and my son isn't that tall yet, so I don't have extensive reviews of every ride. But here's what I've got:

The Big Bad Wolf. Unfortunately they've decommissioned this ride, but I was able to fit in the seat with little trouble. My legs are long, so there was some knee bumping, but nothing to cry about.
DaVinci's Cradle. Couldn't ride it. It uses a seatbelt similar to a car's, only not as long. It missed closing by about an inch, but an inch is as good as a mile. I had to leave and let my son ride alone. Luckily he hated the ride.
The flying machine. No trouble getting the safety bar down.
The battering Ram. No troubles, although it was a tight fit for my knees. Sit closer to the center for slightly more leg room.
Tradewinds. No trouble fitting in with my son, but as I was the big fellah, I sat on the outside of the ride. It spins you pretty fast, so heavy people should stay on the outside of th eseat to avoid any embarrassing crushing of children.
Saint Elmo's Spire. Couldn't ride. This time because my shoulder's were too broad. The shoulder harness needs to click three times, and it wouldn't go any further than too without dislocating something. Never had a chance to reach my fatty sections.
Corkscrew Hill. No problems, although it shook the crap out of me, and managed to dislodge a kidney stone the first time.
Curse of DarkKastle. No problems.
Escape from Pompeii. No problems. We escaped.
Le Scoot Log Flume. No problems, although a bit snug around my knees. Be careful getting in and out. Could be embarrassing. I did see a woman larger than me have a bit of trouble.
Grover's Alpine Express. Surprisingly no problems, although it was tight. The leg dividers (as I was reminded by a reader) were a bit uncomfortable, but a little numbness never stopped me before.
Oscar's Whirly Worms. No problems, but again it was close. The safety bar required some sharp inhalation.

Busch Gardens Williamsburg is a tough theme park for fat people, or anyone out of shape for that matter. It's beautiful to look at, but it has some pretty mean hills. I thought I'd never get back from the Rhine River boat ride. It's at the bottom of a gazillion steps, that feel like about a 90 degree angle. Harsh. Make sure you've got your walking shoes on. And an ATV, if available. Maybe a helicopter.

My stats at the time:
Height: 6'2"
Weight: 360 lbs
Shoulder width: 26"
Waist width: 56"

Chairs

2009-12-31T13:19:00.000-08:00

One of the problems I never thought I'd have is where to sit. Just like in the movie, Shallow Hal, some chairs just aren't up to the task of holding me, or holding me comfortably. A lot of chairs just aren't designed with weight in mind. And precious few are designed with extreme weight in mind.

The best types of chairs to look for in restaurants are those without arms, as well as straight leg chairs. Also, metal is only better than wood if the metal is thick and welded properly.

Office chairs have been the hardest to find. A lot of the chairs that say they can handle up to 500 pounds, for example, have broken under my weight (and I'm far from 500 pounds). But they aren't really lying, it's just that they aren't saying what PART of the chair can handle that much weight. I had one chair that had an all metal base (good) that could handle the weight, but the arms were flimsy plastic things that couldn't handle much weight at all. And the back of the chair was held on by those arms (very common). Another chair was solid except for the wheels, which were little plastic things again, that couldn't stand up to much.

As a temporary measure I suggest solid living room chairs. They tend to do better with weight, but then you run the risk of injuries to your wrist and rotator cuff. They just aren't very ergonomic, especially when computer work is concerned.

So pay close attention to all the details of a chairs design, and be prepared to spend some dough.

Introductions

2009-12-31T09:59:00.000-08:00

My name is Chris, and I'm a Fat Guy. It wasn't something I planned, or enjoy. The only benefit I've found to being as large as a Third Stage Guild Navigator is that I'm less likely to blow away in a storm, and in an emergancy I can throw myself against doors and they always open. Walls too, sometimes.

But, even though this world is designed for skinny little people, and even though I work every day to lose weight despite a variety of factors, I still have a right to exist in relative comfort. I may be able to lose the combined weight of my wife and kids and still be a bit chunky, but I also have something to say. And a lot of that is what I've learned being a ginormous person in a world made by people who don't even understand how you can chafe just standing still. And here is where I'll share.

If you're just interested in something random and potentially witty, I have a place for that too.